I Feel Again
by ikisbean0
Summary: Monika is a crippled college student who happens to share a room with a tiny Italian art student, who luckily has enough energy for the both of them. Safe for Work. Past trauma. For day 6 of AphYuriWeek2016: collage au
1. Chapter 1

**This is for AphYuriWeek Day 6: college au. Let me know what you think please!**

A lot can happen in two weeks. And by a lot, I mean moving to London from Germany, starting a five year undergraduate degree at University, falling in love, and realise hopelessly that you don't have to keep ringing your grandfather for permission to go out for a drink (or permission for anything really). In just two weeks, I discovered how to grow up and to be completely young at the same time.

Gilbert often asks me why I chose England to start on my forensic psychology course, and before now, I never had an answer. It just seemed like an interesting thing to do. What was the point of learning English at school if I were to never use it?

But, I have found an answer for him. It's because of _her._

The little Italian artist. She happens to be my roommate, which that in itself is impressive, as not many people are willing to share a room on campus with a cripple who needs a service dog, I discovered. Everyone who was supposed board with me ended up transferring to a different apartment. Not that I can blame them, it isn't exactly ideal to have to put up with special circumstances such as myself.

But _she_ stayed. After five previous rejections, this tiny Italian stayed.

Felicia is her name. And she may be small, but what she lacks in height she makes up for _energy._ It is strange, because it is not the type of energy that leaves me exhausted like other people, but the type that makes me feel energized too.

Felicia brings me up to her level, and I don't feel as disabled when I am with her.

In the two weeks it took for us to settle into this London environment, waking up early and getting lost trying to find classes, and to fit ourselves into this new living pattern, we became very close friends. I even let her pat Aster, my service dog, during the evening. She doesn't know yet why I need a service dog. She hasn't asked.

* * *

It's raining when I saunter away from my afternoon lecture on Friday. Aster grumbles beside me. He doesn't like the rain, and neither do I, but it is always raining here, so we both have to get used to it.

I juggle my textbooks and dog leash in one hand and scramble to find my umbrella hidden at the bottom of my bag. It's when I just manage to yank it out when _it happens._

It starts with Aster whipping around to look up at me, golden eyes piercing as he sniffs the air.

 _Oh. Oh no._

There is a split second where the world jut seems to stop. The intake of breath feels heavy as I drag air into my lungs. In that split second, I realise just how _exhausted_ I am. Of this. Of _everything._

Aster yelps sharply, and starts dragging me to the dorms. While he rushes me along, I shakily start to shove the textbooks into my backpack, swinging it over my shoulder.

How strange, this has become a big part of my life, yet I am starting to panic.

I guess it's because I know what's to come. Though I haven't felt it grasping me yet. Aster must have caught it earlier than usual. He's been doing that a lot recently. Hopefully there is enough time to make it back into my room.

Crap. I hope Felicia isn't back yet.

Aster picks up the paced, forcing me into a jog. We dart across campus, scurrying past cafes and bookshops until we finally arrive at the reception building. Ducking out of the rain, Aster all but _hauls_ me inside and pulls me towards the back elevator. Once inside I hit the level five button, and I can feel it happening. Aster must be able to as well, he starts nudging my hand and whimpering.

And I am scared.

A small sob cracks through my lips and I fist my hands into his creamy fur. He whines, and I feel awful that he has to go through this with me. It's just not fair. I hate this.

The elevator dings at us as we arrive at level five. Aster lurches out, taking me with him, and makes a beeline through the corridor to our door.

Felicia is playing music while lounging on her bed when I stumble in. The cold sweats have started.

"Hey!" she sits up and grins. "I was hoping you would be back soon, I am going out… hey are you okay?!" her richly accented voice started off cheerful, but drops to a dark song of a question. I am going to throw up. Need to get out.

"Uh, I am fine yes. Just a little ill from the cold. Y-you are dressed up." Aster starts tugging me towards the bathroom.

 _Yes I am getting there. I just don't want her to get suspicious._

 _Oh please, she must_ know _something is up for you to have a service dog._

Felicia climbs off her bed and pads over to me, and I can see she has straightened her hair and subtly coloured her face with pink lipstick and mascara. Instead of wearing her Hello Kitty flannel pyjamas (which she tends to change into as soon as she gets back from class), she instead wears a deep blue silk dress that clings to her curvy frame. Her dark skin seems to shine bronze, and I get the whiff of sweet perfume. She looks good. Really good.

But here she stands in front of me, with a sad pout on her face.

Aster starts barking at me.

"A-are you going out somewhere?" maybe I can convince her to get out quickly.

Biting her lip, she nods. "I was waiting for you, I was hoping to ask if you would like to come with me- um some friends of mine and I are heading to town for drinks. But you look like you need to go to bed _now."_

 _Why did this have to happen today of all days?_

"I um, yes. Sorry, I would love to join you, but uh, y-yep." Aster tugs on my sleeve while growling. Ah, so close.

Felicia glances at Aster, and her eyes widen, quickly looking up to me again. Hesitantly, but gently, she places both her warm hands on either side of my face.

And I can see the fear.

"Is- is this something to do with why you have Aster?" she whispers. I nod helplessly. "Do I need to stay here? I can look after-"

"No." I mumble. "No its fine. This is fine. Go have fun. I'm fine."

The shaking has started.

"But will you-"

"Felicia, I will be okay. This will pass, as it always does. Right now, I need you to leave. Trust me, you do not want to be around for this."

I start wheezing, and I hate the way my words draw sorrow onto her face.

But I do not have time to feel guilty yet. Felicia steps back and drops her hands as Aster yanks me to the bathroom.

 _I'm sorry._

* * *

The first thing that breaks through the blackness that is unconsciousness is, of course, a wet nose. It pokes my forehead and makes a snuffling sound.

Aster.

He whines a little, and nudges me again.

I blink one eye open, and I am lying on my side on the cold tiled floor of the bathroom. Aster stands over me, golden eyes gently gazing at me.

"Oh Aster," I sob. I cling to him, burying my face into his neck, and cry.

* * *

Anyone who experiences seizures can attest how _tired_ you get after them. It takes a good forty five minutes of me crying into my Labrador to finally get the motivation to stand up.

I must've vomited during the seizure. Guess I better clean that up. My body creaks and aches as I move about cleaning the floor, then giving my face a quick wash as well. Aster stays close, always brushing against my leg when my bottom lip trembles or when there is a wet hitch in my laboured breath.

The clothes I am wearing are drenched with rain and sweat, which is no surprise really, but incredibly uncomfortable. So I busy myself with picking out my favourite sweatpants and hoodie. As I place the dirty clothes in my laundry basket, I grab the day old towel and use it to dry Aster. I think it's safe to say he thoroughly enjoyed that.

Despite my fatigue, I know all too well that sleep isn't going to be an option. I worry, because now I am forced to address _this_ with Felicia. She needs to know. She should've been told before now, I can't just spring this up on her.

I should've told her two weeks ago.

Aster leaps up on my bed and digs around the covers while I snatch my laptop from my desk and crawl into bed next to him.

"What do you want to watch? I murmur to him as he readjusts his position, opting to curling up against my leg with his head resting on my lap.

Balancing the laptop on my other leg, I browse through Netflix. I need something happy and uncomplicated to watch, just anything to distract me from _now._

A cartoon pops up several minutes later, the cover art full of bright colour and a happy looking kid. _Steven Universe_ it's called.

"You think we should give this a go?" Aster looks up at me and blinks.

 _Might as well._

I end up watching the first season without break.

 _Where has this been my whole life?_

* * *

Halfway through season two is when I realise I am hungry. Having no energy to leave my bed whatsoever, going to the dorm kitchen is completely out of the question.

Should I…?

There is no way I am able to make something to eat, but gosh I am hungry. I guess the only option I have is to get something delivered.

This is embarrassing to admit, but I get a slight buzz when I order myself pizza for the first time. There is no way to justify how excited I am to get something delivered. _Food._ I am getting food delivered. Usually Felicia will just cook up some tin food, or noodles.

I order an extra pizza for her, I'm sure she will need it tomorrow.

Its 9:00 when the long awaited pizza man knocks on my door, Aster whips his head up and growls.

"Oh shoosh, you," I scold in German as I shove off the blankets and scurry off the bed. I hurriedly pay the pizza man and take the warm boxes back into the comfort of my room. Looking over at Aster makes me laugh, he is intently staring (or sniffing) at me. "You can have some, only because you're cute though. But you have to promise not to tell Grandfather that we've broken our health workout."

I slide Felicia's pizza into the mini fridge between our beds, and resume my position in bed: laptop on one leg, Aster on the other, and a blanket draped over my shoulders. The meatlovers sits on the bedside stand, so I grab a piece and offer it to a very hopeful looking Aster. He takes it gently, and I get a piece for me too while returning to _Steven Universe_.

By the time the pizza is gone, Aster is asleep, second season has been watched and I think about how much Felicia will love this show. I look over at her empty bed, and miss her presence. For two weeks, we would lay here, and I would listen to her soft, sleepy breathing.

How can I miss someone just after two weeks?

With a huff, I close the laptop and sit it on top of the empty pizza box. Guess now I should try to sleep then. Stretching, I stand and pace over to flick off the light. I really feel like I could sleep for a year.

It's just as I have my hand on the switch that suddenly the door flies open. I yelp and jump backwards. Felicia stands in the doorway, looking just as stunned as I feel.

"Monika," she breathes, stepping up to me quickly and wraps her arms around my waist. She rests her head on my chest, and I choke on air. "I was so worried."

"Y-you are here earlier than I thought." Why is my voice cracking?

"I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't have fun. Not while I knew something was wrong here. I was s-so worried, and I just had to make sure you were okay-"

"Oh Felicia," I scold and rest my arms around her bare shoulders. "You idiot. I am fine."

"You scared me!" she cries, her sing song voice muffled by my hoodie. "y-you scared me. And I-I feel so bad for just… just leaving you here by yourself."

Ah. I can't leave her in the dark anymore. She should not feel this guilt. I have to tell her.

I reach behind her and push the door shut. Clapping her shoulders, I gently push her away and hold her still.

"Get changed, and I will tell you why you don't need to worry.

* * *

It was raining heavily when I had decided to go for a bike ride. It was the day after I turned fourteen, and I really wanted to try out my new bicycle. Grandfather tried to talk me out of it; just wait for better weather, he didn't want me to get sick from the cold. I really wish I had listened to him.

Grandfather, Gilbert and I lived a little out of the village, it was just a twenty minute walk. So I decided to bike it and maybe go to the shops and buy some apples. It seemed like a good idea, what could go wrong?

The rain was heavy, and it was difficult to see the road.

I guess that's why the car didn't see me…

I was in a coma for three weeks. The blow I received to my head caused some brain injury. I wasn't supposed to recover as quickly as I did. But the doctors told me I was lucky that I was so healthy, otherwise I wouldn't have been so fortunate. They said that while there was minor damage to my brain, it should only affect my sight. I was to expect headaches and to be wearing glasses during class. Most of my injuries were broken pelvises and damaged legs. I would never be able to carry a child.

It was two weeks after I left the hospital, while still going to therapy, that I had my first seizure.

They never went away after that.

I got Aster when I was sixteen, he was a puppy, meant for emotional support for me, to motivate me to _keep living_. Gilbert had been training guide dogs as part of his career. He decided to train Aster to be a service dog for me when we saw the way Aster reacted a few minutes before a fit.

Now he is a certified service dog, and can give me so much more than a warning.

* * *

Felicia is unusually quiet from where she sits across from me in my bed. In her Hello Kitty pyjamas, her red hair tied up in a messy ponytail, dark face stripped of makeup, and she looks so much younger than nineteen.

Nibbling on her thumbnail, she looks down at Aster. He managed to nestle himself between my legs, snoring softly.

"Felicia?" I croak softly, hating the look on her face. She glances up, and I see the glistening in her terracotta eyes.

Oh no.

"So, were you-did-um," she sighs in frustration. "Monika, I am so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how awful – do you still… struggle with… living?"

"No! No not at all! I am fine now, it's okay. I just get tired quickly. And the seizures… um, I'm sorry about this afternoon. I didn't want to scare you." My hands fist into Aster to stop them from flailing.

Felicia's hands flail though. She waves them around, unsure as she suddenly gushes in Italian. This happens from time to time, whenever she gets excited or flustered, she forgets English.

But now she cries, and I ache. I ache, because I don't deserve how golden she is. Too pure, so much more than anyone I have ever met.

She doesn't deserve to cry for me.

"Felicia, please don't cry, I am-oomph!"

She launches herself at me, and suddenly I am on my back looking up at her face that is very close to mine. Her hands are placed on either side of my head, and I can feel her knees pressed on either side of my hips.

Despite the seriousness of our discussion, my face gets warm at our proximity.

Felicia sniffs, and softly lets out a sad giggle.

"Monika," she hums. "Monika, Monika, Monika." She lowers herself so that she now rests on her elbows, and her soft hair tickles my face. I feel Aster crawl towards my feet with a grumble.

"I want to look after you, Monika. Not because you need it, because you deserve it. You don't understand how… I just want you to… oh Monika."

I try not to cry. I try really hard. So instead, I just gently tug on her sleeve, bringing her closer, so close until I can feel her breathe, and smell her perfume. So close that our noses touch, and I can see the flecks of yellow in her irises.

"You're ridiculous," I whisper, daring to reach up and shakily press a hand to her cheek. She almost seems to purr as she rubs into the touch. "But thank you."

"Thank you for telling me. That must have been very scary."

"It wasn't that bad. I barely remember the incident."

She offers me a smile, it's a little sad and broken, but genuine. I take it, I take it willingly.

Ever so slowly, she shifts, and presses soft lips to my cheek.

I turn to fire, flames licking at my every nerve, and I am hyper aware of how close she is to me. The sound that escapes my mouth is a tortured little gasp.

Just from a kiss on the cheek.

I feel her smile more warmly against my skin, then she moves to hover her lips over mine, and I can't help the little whimper that hisses through my teeth. My thumb glides over her cheek bone, and I pull her so carefully, so I might be able to feel her mouth…

Felicia kisses with honey like sweetness, soft like Aster's fur after a bath, and so loving. I can only hope she can taste the adoration upon my mouth that is for her.

"Have you eaten pizza?" She whispers into my mouth. Embarrassed that I completely forgot to brush my teeth, I try to hold back the snort, so it comes out as a muffled giggle.

"Trust you to ruin the moment with pizza." I snigger. "Don't worry, I got some for you too. It's in the fridge."

Her eyes widen and light up, and I can't help but scoff at her.

"Thank you!" she sits up so she is perched on my lap. "Should we eat it now?" I roll my eyes at her, already missing the warmth of her body.

"It's late, eat it tomorrow. There is a show I want to show you, I think you will like it."

"Can I sleep in your bed?"

I think I just about _combust_. Trying to speak, but instead just wheezing at her, I nod. She throws me a beaming smile, rolls off the bed, and gets the lights.

It's in the darkness that I allow my shy smile to widen embarrassingly. _Felicia kissed me. With her mouth, on mine. That was real!_

Felicia curses as she clumsily scrambles onto my bed, her hands finding me in the dark, and I pull up the blankets when she snuggles in closely to my chest. Humming happily, her fingers trace at my collarbone, causing me to swallow back sappy words. Instead, I bring my arm around her waist, and trail light touches along her hips.

"After we watch this show tomorrow, and after we pig out on pizza and hopefully cuddle and make out a lot," she hugs herself tighter to me, "Can I paint on your back?"

"That sounds really nice, I'd like that."

I really look forward to tomorrow.

* * *

 **Hey, so how was that? This was something quick to whip up (I did this in a day, please forgive how rushed it is!) while working on chapter three of Turning Pages. Thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Yo so just quickly, I am not planning for this story to go anywhere, but seeing the huge response I got for it, I had to write another chapter =] Let me know what you think**

 **A warning: nothing is explicitly said, but well heavily implied sexual content.**

* * *

Mondays.

I used to treat that word as a curse or a swear, because everything is just that harder on a Monday. Both Felia and I have morning classes on a Monday and Thursday, but not before Aster and I did my half hour workout at the college gym. We had developed a routine in the first two weeks when we weren't dating. I would wake at 6 am and jog to the gym, do my workout routine, be back at the dorms to shower and eat, then wake Felia up at 7 am.

She was a lot slower in the mornings, walking bleary-eyed to the bathroom to shower. But soon her singing voice could be heard in our bedroom, and I would just lay on my bed and just listen to the Italian words. Then she would stagger out in her still sleepy state with a fluffy towel twisted on her head and a yawn on her mouth. She would smile lazily at me though as she brushed her hair into a high pony tail.

We worked around each other, waking and showering and eating at different times, until we both trudged out of the dorms together to head off to main campus. Felicia had a poor diet, and would only have a strong coffee in the mornings. But she makes up for her lack of breakfast in how much she eats for lunch and tea.

Trust me.

On the mornings where we didn't have class until midday or afternoon, I would still maintain my early workout routine and then work on some study at my desk, whereas Felicia would just sleep in.

That was before.

But now, it's different. After a little over a month of being lovers, I don't wake and look across the room to see her buried in her blankets. Instead, I can wake up and feel her cold nose pressed to my collar bone. We wake up together, eat together, _be together_ (I still haven't convinced her to work out with me yet. It's a working progress.). She'll lounge around on my bed waiting for me to return from the gym.

Instead of working around each other, _we worked together._

We tackled Monday together.

* * *

It's the sixth Monday of us being together. It starts off normally. The alarm buzzes harshly, slicing through my sleep. With a grumble, I reach for my phone and kill the noise.

Aster continues to snore away, but I feel Felicia begin to stir unwillingly. Her hair tickles my jaw, and I can't help the dopey smile that pulls at my lips. Winding myself tighter around her, I kiss the top of her head.

"Morning, Felicia," I whisper to her, and I feel her body shiver.

"… Hhhnnng." She starts to wriggle around, her hands dancing around my chest from where they were resting, then glide up to my face. Slowly, she drags her head up and blinks heavily at me, a cute little grin on her lips. I feel myself start to burn in the face at her gaze. She grins more at my blush. "Morning."

Kissing Felicia is something I like to do, probably one of my favourite things to do. But it's not something I could ever get used to either. The soft breath mingling with mine as she sighs, how she presses so closely to me, the way I just seem to melt into her when she gently bites at my bottom lip.

It is all so cliché I know.

But I can see why it is now.

Pulling away from Felicia is something I hate to do, probably one of my least favourite things to do. But it's when she slides a leg over my hip and licks open my mouth that I have to drag away for air. She makes it harder and harder for me to leave bed every time. If I let her continue… _this_ , then I'll end up never leaving this room again.

Usually when we get too carried away and I reluctantly will pull away, she surrenders with a sigh and lets me up. Not this time apparently.

Her mouth glides down my jaw to my throat, where she presses the most gentleness of kisses, but I gasp at how nice it _feels._

"Stay in bed," she whispers against my skin. I get goose bumps.

"Mmm."

"That isn't an answer, Monika."

I roll on top of her suddenly, and she lets out a cute little yelp. Placing my hands on either side of her head, I look down at her flushed face and smirk. As my gaze drifts down to her neck, I move to kiss her under the jaw, and get the satisfaction of hearing her breath hitch when my lips barely graze across her terra-cotta skin.

"I'll see you in an hour, Felicia."

With that, I roll out of bed and collect my sports bag with my workout gear that I had packed last night. Aster leaps off my bed with a thump (Labradors are not known for their gracefulness) and sidles up to my leg as I turn to face Felicia.

She is giving me a disbelieving look.

"You are such a tease! Come back here and kiss me."

After considering her for a moment, I decide to oblige her. Felicia wriggles into a sitting position as take those few steps back to the bed. As soon as I get within reaching distance, she grasps at my singlet and leans her head up, and her soft eagerness never fails to ignite my heart.

I lean down and take her warm face in my large hands and swirl my thumbs just under her eyes. Leaning in closer, and I taste her breath and feel her nose bump against my cheek. Then I indulge us both, its lips against lips, sighs mingled and hearts pounding.

 _Do I really need to go to the gym today? Surely it wouldn't hurt to miss one day._

 _No. There will be other times for this._

Felicia gently pulls away, but her hands sweep up to rest on my neck.

"Ich liebe dich, Monika."

Those words in my language feel so _nice_ in her accent, and you would think my face would hurt from smiling so much but it doesn't.

"Ti amo, Felicia."

* * *

Treadmills are dangerous for several reasons. They hold many memories for me, some funny and other scary, but most just cringe worthy. A scary memory was when I had a sudden seizure while going 18 km and broke my arm a few months before I moved to England (that happened to be when Aster stayed overnight at the vets the poor thing), and it took a little while to get my confidence back to brave exercising on the machine again.

A fond memory is the time Gilbert made the mistake of trying to jump on with me. He was in pyjamas, and the hem of his pants were a little too long. He tripped himself up and _flew_ off the treadmill. Grandfather happened to film the whole thing. It makes us laugh a lot. Including Gil.

But recently treadmills have presented me with another danger: overthinking.

Obviously, exercising is my personal time for just me to think. About everything. Since Felicia came bounding into my life, she has been the focus of my thoughts. And especially this past couple of weeks, there has been one thing in particular on my mind while I jog away in the college gym that is starting to make me anxious. I had hoped to maybe put off this (arguably) embarrassing topic, but after how heated things got this morning, I can't exactly ignore it.

I love her. I love the domestic and the romantic and the friendship that we have developed within one another. I love how we can go from discussing (fangirling) _Steven Universe_ to laughing about Felicia's weird classmates to cuddling and kissing to complain about assignments.

Yet lately the kissing has progressed from sweet pecks to something a lot more.

But we… we still haven't… not done…

And I think I want more.

Which is…odd. For me anyway, because I have never felt like I should… how do I say this? I have known since forever that I like girls. Always have. But I've always been nervous to… get really intimate with anyone since the accident. I can't be sure if it is my fear of close interactions with people, my fear of suddenly having an episode, or if it's because I can imagine the look of disgust upon seeing my scarred body.

But in regards to the latter, I know for sure Felicia isn't like that. She would get sad seeing my scars, I think. But then after I would reassure her that I am fine, that they really don't hurt anymore, she would smile softly and lean down to kiss my torn hip-

Oh…

I-I _really want to do this with her. I want to love her._

And I think Felicia does too. But it's not enough to just assume…

This is something we need to talk about.

How do I even bring something like this up?

Ugh.

I continue jogging away, and my thoughts swirl around and around about how to approach this. But it's when I start imagining Felicia… and how she would… the _sounds she would make when I would-_

Growling, I switch off the treadmill and thank whatever deity that I can excuse my red faced flusteredness on exercise. Not that there are many people here at this time of morning. Just a couple of guys.

I step off the treadmill and snatch my water bottle from my bag. Gulping down cool water, I scramble to dig my phone from my pocket when I feel it vibrate once.

It's an email from my lecturer that I have today. Or supposed to.

Reading it quickly, I frown. Class has been cancelled today due to a personal situation.

Well then.

What am I to do now?

I glance around the gym, feeling keyed up, but zero motivation to continue my routine.

Sigh. Might as well head back to shower.

 _Is that really the reason you want to go back?_

Ugh.

* * *

Felicia is playing the _Steven Universe_ soundtrack, I can hear 'Tower of Mistakes' playing before I've even opened the door.

Still being at a lost on what to do, I kinda just stand there, and lean my forehead against the wooden frame. I feel nervous, and I can't really pretend to not know why.

I'm going to bring it up now.

No I am not. She has class today.

Then when?

 _What am I going to do in the meantime?_

I groan, loudly, forgetting that Felicia is on the other side of the door. Hitching in a breath, I freeze, waiting for her to shut off the music and open the door

Thankfully, it seems, that the music drowns out my angst. Felicia doesn't know I'm here.

Time to change that.

Aster huffs, and pokes my leg with his nose. I think he is judging me. Glaring at him for being so impatient, I take a deep breath to steady myself, and then I yank the door open and _throw_ myself in, Aster trotting after me.

Felicia sits cross legged on my bed, drawing it seems, when she looks up startled, giving a little yelp.

"S-sorry, didn't mean to scare you." I mutter as I crouch down and take off Aster's harness and pat his head. "What are you drawing?"

"Um, oh! Aster actually." She laughs guiltily, closing her sketchbook and setting it aside as he trots over and leaps onto the blankets on the abandoned bed. As she reaches over and lowers the volume of the music from her laptop, she says, "You are back early. Everything okay? Oh wait! Are- are you about t-to, Monika is-?"

"No, everything is fine! I am fine!" I cut her off as I stand, knowing what she was implying. I guess the episode I had all those weeks back is still on her mind.

"Oh," she breathes, placing a hand over her chest with a relieved smile. "Oh."

"Um, my class got cancelled today."

"Oh."

"…And there is something I kind of want to talk to you about." Shit. I wasn't supposed to say that!

"Oh."

"Is that the only thing you can say now?" I laugh despite the slip up and move to sit on the bed.

"Shoosh you. Still recovering from the panic. I thought you were going to- sorry. It has been on my mind, and I am anxious as to when it will happen again and I don't know how to help or what to do and what if I am not there or if-!"

I kiss her out of her blabbering, feeling guilty that she worries so much about me.

(And feeling slightly flattered that she cares)

I pull back once I feel her relax against me, when her breathing comes easier and she kisses me back slowly. I pull back, and flick her on the nose.

"Ow! Hey!" She covers where I flicked her, looking absolutely shocked, and I can't help but giggle at her.

"Either Aster or I would let you know if I were about to… but it really is nothing to worry about. There is nothing you need to do, Aster has been trained to aid me when it's needed."

"What if you need an ambulance?"

"Aster has me covered."

"Really? He can call emergency services?"

"Yes, he is more fluent in English than either of us."

"Monika!"

I laugh, and she just scoffs and quietly gazes at me. After I have had a good chuckle, Felicia is smiling shyly at me.

"What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

Well that kills my mood.

"Huh? I never said that!"

"Yes you did! Just before, you said that there was something would like talk to me about?" she leans forward and pokes my forehead

"I um." Smooth, Monika.

I start wheezing at her, trying to stutter out my thoughts. It isn't working out so well, I must say. Especially when Felicia drops the cheeky smirk in place for a concerned frown.

"…It can wait, if you want to." She says slowly.

Ugh why is this so hard?

Instead of spluttering out my voice, I just shake my head and move in to kiss her. She obliges and gently kisses me back, but I can tell she thinks I am avoiding the issue.

I'm not (in the way she thinks).

If I can't speak the words, then I will show her what I want to say.

Softly grabbing her shoulders, I push her onto the mattress without breaking contact with her mouth. With her back pressed on the bed and me resting on top of her, I can feel her body heat through my clothes. Felicia still doesn't seem to get it yet. We have been in this position plenty of times (usually it's her initiating this kind of intimacy though). I am going to have to make it more obvious.

Deepening the kiss, I let my hands travel lightly down her side, over her ribs to her waist, then across her hip. Her small hands fist in my short hair and start to massage my scalp, and it's impossible to keep back the sigh that I breathe into her mouth. The smile I feel tug at her lips encourages me, so my hand drifts lower to run down her bare, chubby thigh. Pausing to grip her knee, I mentally steel myself and hoist her leg up to hook over my hip.

My face feels overheated.

Felicia gasps into my mouth, the hands in my hair moving to my face, gently pushing me away so she can stare at me. Her pupils have dilated, making her already dark eyes seem black. I lick my lips nervously, noting the red tinge in her round cheeks.

"M-Monika," she breathes. "What… is this what you wanted to talk about?" her hot hands still linger on my face, and I must burn brighter.

I nod. "Felicia, I… I want to show you love, but – ah, um. I am sorry. Just- I don't know if you are into that or… _Scheiße._ This, I am so bad at-"

Felicia interrupts me with her sweet giggles.

 _What?_

"Of course I'm into that, silly!" She laughs again and pulls me in for another kiss, twisting her hips with enough force to flip us, and I land on my back with a yelp. Felicia pecks at my lips cheekily, and I just about lose my mind when she slings her other leg across me. Here she sits, this cute crazy Italian, straddling me with her hands sneaking beneath my singlet to trace over my abdomen, kissing me and now I cannot breathe. Despite the lack of oxygen, I can manage sliding my hands down her back and along her thighs.

"Silly Monika. You are very sweet. I want… I want to make love to you."

 _Oh._

Words have left me, so I sit up and loop my arms around her waist, and kiss her senseless.

* * *

I won't go into detail. It was our first time, so I won't tell you everything.

I can say how _warm_ it felt, to be with her in such a way. Every movement, every sound was warm. And soft. Felicia was soft, her touches were soft and gentle and she was so soft to touch back.

As expected, she paid special attention to the scars that rip along my hips and legs. She kissed every single one and it would be a lie to say that it didn't make me gasp.

I kissed her scars too, though they are different to mine, little spindles of stretchmarks along her breasts to her forearms, her lower stomach and thighs. The giggles that escaped her airily just made me cling to her tighter.

I won't tell how _nice_ it felt to feel her hands grip all over me, how nice it was to taste her moans and sighs, how nice it felt to hear my name being cried out like that…

I can't believe I was nervous. For this. Because Felicia is so good and warm and gentle and I should know by now to know that anything with her will always be so nice.

We had forgot to shut off the music coming from Felicia's laptop, so for the entire time we kissed and touched to the soundtrack of _Steven Universe._

Not sure how to feel about that.

* * *

I am still dozing when Felicia whispers to me that she needs to leave if she wants to not be late to her class. Her voice sounds soft but distant, but I lazily open an eye anyway. She lounges on my chest, and beams up at me before leaning up and pressing a sloppy kiss on my jaw.

"Go back to sleep, Monika. I'll text you later, okay?"

"Hhmm." She giggles, and I can't help but smile.

When she leaves the bed, the warmth goes with her, and I grumble before I drift again.

I stay slightly aware enough to hear her sing in her brief shower, and to gather her stuff to take to class. It amazes me how she can still have energy after… well after _what we just did._

A hand swipes hair from my forehead, and my eyes flutter open in time for Felicia to press a chaste kiss above my brow.

"Can walk you to class if you want," I mumble.

"You can barely keep your eyes open."

"Mmmmm."

She laughs once at me. "Sleep in for once. It will do you some good."

"Guess it wouldn't hurt… to sleep for a bit." I feel her smile against my forehead as she gives me yet another peck.

"Ich liebe dich, Monika."

I look up at her and sit up, mustering as much energy as possible.

"Ti amo, Felicia."

A little while later after she scurries out the door to her class, I fall asleep and dream of nothing, and only awaken a couple of hours later by Asters grumbling in my ear.

"Hnnng, are you hungry?" I ask him while yawning. "Well, you aren't the only one. Let me have a shower and then I'll feed you, how 'bout it?"

I make sure to shower and dress quickly in jeans and a hoodie, because Aster does not let up his complaining. As we walk down the hall to the dorm kitchen, he still whines loudly. I really hope everyone on this floor has gone to class, otherwise I would be surprised if there were no noise complaints. Though, if people could hear Aster, then that means-

A guy steps out of his door as I walk past. I startle, and he looks surprised to see me too, until he gives me a suggestive smirk.

"Glad to hear someone is getting some fun around here," he says with a wink, his American accent not what I am used to hearing here in England.

Before I can stutter out a response to that totally unneeded remark, the guy rushes away while flinging his satchel over his shoulder. What a weird person.

I shrug it off and continue to the kitchen before Aster decides to chew my leg off.

The dorm kitchen is a large, fancy space for the six people on this floor. We have three fridges between us and our pantry space. Over the past month, Felia's and my groceries and utensils has started mingling until we just share everything. We often share the expenses of our shopping too.

Though looking into our pantry shelf, we need to do another shop. I only have one can of dog food left for Aster. Yikes.

"Here you go," I say to him through a yawn as I shake the gross smelling stuff into his bowl. "I'll get you some more today, okay?"

As Aster scoffs down his breakfast, I go about making mine. Deciding on a fruit smoothie, I hunt down some bananas, strawberries and blueberries.

It's while that the blender is chugging away loudly that I allow myself to think back on this morning.

I hope it was just as good for her as it was for me. It felt amazing for me, to be with her in such a close way. And gosh, _the taste of her skin when I dragged my tongue over her-_

My phone vibrates once in my pocket, and I let out a yelp. Switching off the blender, I pour out the contents into a glass and slide onto a stool nearby.

It was a message from none other than Felicia herself.

 **From: Felicia**

 **i get out of class a little earlier today, and some friends and I are going into town for lunch. Care to join us? if you are not too tired of course ;) xx**

I roll my eyes and chuckle shyly.

 **To: Felicia**

 **You'll have to do more than that to get me tired, but I very much enjoyed the effort you put in despite. But lunch sounds great, we need to do shopping anyway, so we can do that then, if YOU are not too tired x**

 **From: Felicia**

 **Is that a challenge Monni?**

 **To: Felicia**

 **Yes**

 **From: Felicia**

 **Well then. I gladly accept ;) but in the meantime, hurry up and get your butt here im hungry**

I bite my lip at how cheesy we are being, but I can't help it. She makes me turn into a sap.

But I love it. I love her.

* * *

Thank you for reading! Sorry about how jarring the writing was, this was a little out my comfort zone. Never written smut before (obviously this aint smut) so ahh sorry for how awkward it sounded. Luckily, that seems to suit monika anyway.


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